once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
