Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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