Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
