im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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