he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
