I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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