im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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