We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
