Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
