he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
