he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
