New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
