It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
