you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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