I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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