I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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