just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
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