they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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