dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
