i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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