So drunk its hurt
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
