I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
