well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
