Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
