I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
