True but thats because hes a fetus.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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