Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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