apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Terrible idea I love it
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
