if you like me you must not know who I am
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
