the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
