There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize