You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I need to wash the frat house off of me
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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