just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Everclear isn't food dammit
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
