Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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