Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
