I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
