i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
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