I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
