My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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