I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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