i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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