she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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