So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish you could order shots online.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
