you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
