I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
