I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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