Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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