Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
