highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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