Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
