Can i not drive my cunt home
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
