i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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