I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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