Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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