When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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