Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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