Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
