wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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