You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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