i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
